May 28, 2020

Warehouse workers celebrate as Amazon guarantees weekly bathroom breaks


ANSAS CITY, MO — Amazon announced Thursday that each worker in its fulfillment centers will now be permitted to go to the bathroom once every week, a move that labor advocates were quick to label “a huge relief.”

CEO Jeff Bezos broke the news at an Amazon warehouse in Kansas City, emphasizing to the assembled workers that he was implementing the policy despite it representing a major blow to his net worth.

“I always wanted to do this,” Bezos said, “but I was disciplined. I told myself, ‘Jeff, $100 billion is a lot of money, and some people are going to have to shit themselves along the way.’ And let me just say, I’m so glad you did.”

Bezos added that with COVID-19 spreading through Amazon’s facilities, increasing workers’ access to hand-washing stations would help him get better media coverage. 

Labor-rights activists declared the move “historic” as Bezos cut the ceremonial ribbon in front of the warehouse’s two new toilets, setting off a minor stampede as hundreds of workers rushed to form a line.

Workers in the bathroom line were visibly struggling to hold in their joy.

“There’s been a lot of criticism about the way Amazon mistreats its workers, especially lately,” warehouse team member Cameron Dampster said as he stood in line, “but I’ve been holding it for three days straight now, so I just want to thank Jeff Bezos for giving a shit.”

[Photo Credit: Tony Webster]