ASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump commemorated America’s birthday with a prepared statement Saturday, which we are presenting in its full, unedited form for the sake of posterity.
“To the haters, the libtards, the fake news, the black people and the MAGA who love them, Halply Florth of Julee. Thoday, we celebrate the people who have made America great, from Thomas Jefferspin to my good friend Frederick Douglass, great guy, great guy, did a lot of stuff with the peanut, people are saying more than ever. When you eclected me, you wanted to make America great again, and when you look around you today, you can see that things are going perfectly, beautifully. Today, we are united as a nation, white and black, yellow and other colors, and you’ll never hear that from Sleepy Joe Biden and the radical left-wing Democrates who want to turn our statues into dust so that our children never learn hishtory. When you listen to Joe Biden talk, you can tell there’s something wrong, and I would know. I would know. He can harbly put a sentence togelther, and he hates our country, and the polls were wrong in 2016 and they’re wrong today, so thank you. Thank you. Gob less our troops, we love the troops, and not too many of them are getting killed for Russian bounties, another fake-news hoax, not true at all, very few bounties, and I’ve said to Putin very strongly, ‘don’t do that too much,’ because we have a very special reshlationship. So once again, my fallow Americans, Harpoly Fourt, a date that lives in history, and we’ll be making a very implortent announcement about Obamagate soon, so watch OAN because they’re very fair to me, not like Fake News CNN. Thank you, and may goblets America."