Jul 15, 2020

Top 5 job opportunities on Ivanka Trump’s ‘Find Something New’ website


vanka Trump sparked a social-media sensation this week when she announced Find Something New, a jobs initiative to help people change careers. Since you’ll never go there, we've combed the site to dig up the five most compelling opportunities it has to offer.

Be born into incredible wealth

Ivanka, Don Jr. and Eric Trump have all teamed together to strongly endorse having been born into an extremely wealthy family, which allows you to explore a nearly unlimited range of potential employment opportunities. For those who want to gain the maximum benefit, they specifically recommend being born into a family that has had its wealth passed down for multiple generations. 

Become a Russian internet troll

In a rare partnership with the Russian government, the site will connect you with positions at the Internet Research Agency, which is looking to hire thousands of workers ahead of November’s election. This exciting opportunity allows you to be a Russian internet troll right from your own home in America. Well-qualified applicants will frequently share Candace Owens videos on Facebook and have Confederate or “Don’t Tread on Me” flags in their profile pictures.

Fake your own death and move to South Dakota

The site provides a highly specific, step-by-step guide on how to fake your own death convincingly and then relocate to a small town in South Dakota where no one you know will ever find you. It’s time to face the facts: Diane hasn’t loved you for years, she doesn’t even appreciate your Wall Street-themed birdhouse collection, and it’s starting to get pretty suspicious that she’s brought several other men into your bed while “forgetting” that you were asleep in it. 

Become a human testing subject

China’s leading cosmetics brand, Ivanka Trump, is currently seeking human subjects for experimentation with a wide variety of hair and skin products. Please note that you will have to sign a release surrendering your right to sue the company if you suffer any permanent skin discoloration, flesh burning, amputation, or “cactus skin.” This position is unpaid.

Date a gross old man

Besides offering a host of listings with “daddies” looking for “babies,” the site takes great pains to dispel the notion that being a sugar baby is only for women. Indeed, Find Something New offers opportunities for you to help disgusting-looking older rich men fulfill an incredible variety of kinks, all tax-free. Enterprising babies should take note of the skin tag premium.

For those who are afraid of getting COVID-19 from a sugar daddy but still want to afford food, the website also has a section called Find Something Nude, which offers instructions on opening an OnlyFans account to accept money from multiple gross men with maximum efficiency. It includes a highly detailed photography tutorial designed by Melania Trump that teaches how to capture yourself from the most profitable angles and ultimately marry rich.