Jul 13, 2020

Local potato wins Republican House primary


ALM BEACH, FLA. — After a contentious three-way race in the Republican primary election for Florida’s 21st Congressional District, officials declared Monday morning that a notoriously pro-Trump potato will go on to run for the seat in November’s election.

Purchased from a local Publix in early January, the potato – listed on the ballot simply as “Potato” – was a late entrant to the race, but it quickly picked up a series of major endorsements after running a series of ads that showed it wearing a MAGA hat and heckling Black Lives Matter protesters. That included a stamp of approval from President Donald Trump, who tweeted in support of the potato “exercising American FREEDOM” after it refused to wear a mask during a campaign event at a local hardware store.

The potato’s victory represents an important milestone for the Republican Party, as it is the first genderless candidate to win a GOP primary. While that presented a significant obstacle to winning over socially conservative voters, it was able to attract enough support to win through its willingness to self-identify as a bloodless sycophant.

Because its handlers have opted to keep it frozen for freshness until November, the potato could not be reached for comment.