Jul 7, 2020

Study finds lack of brain oxygen results in refusal to wear face mask


ASHINGTON — A new study released Tuesday has confirmed the long-held scientific hypothesis that refusing to wear a face mask during the COVID-19 pandemic is directly caused by a lack of oxygen flow to the brain.

“While many studies have clarified that wearing a mask does not inhibit your ability to breathe effectively, this is the first to offer conclusive proof that people who refuse to wear masks typically suffer from an existing brain-oxygen deficiency,” said Dr. Krishna Vaishampayan, the study’s lead author. “This unique phenomenon is nearly exclusive to the United States, where at least one in five people – and perhaps closer to one in three – are experiencing drastically reduced brain oxygen leading to a refusal to wear a mask in public.”

The study further notes that Americans are particularly susceptible to this issue because of several common lifestyle choices. 

“Our research finds that watching Fox News or One America News is strongly correlated to a rapid decline in brain oxygen, as is reading websites such as Breitbart or The Daily Caller,” Vaishampayan added. “We found particularly large drops in brain oxygen in consumers of online content from The Babylon Bee and Turning Point USA. Within the aforementioned groups, people who readily identify themselves as 'free thinkers who keep an open mind' have the lowest brain-oxygen levels of all.”

Among the study’s participants was President Donald Trump, who was convinced to participate when the study’s authors booked three nights in a suite at his D.C. hotel. In a medical first, the study found that President Trump has a negative brain-oxygen reading and that simply hearing him speak can cause his audience’s brain oxygen to plummet almost instantaneously.

“President Trump’s brain is effectively a black hole for oxygen,” the study reads. “Like the more commonly known black holes, it is not only itself completely devoid of oxygen, but it also sucks all the oxygen out of any nearby brains, and we really don’t know where it all goes.”