Jun 29, 2020

In push for diversity, Fox News hires brunette


EW YORK — As newsrooms across the nation attempt to address their diversity issues, Fox News Channel made a bold move Monday by hiring a brunette news anchor for the first time in its decades-long history.

Media observers hailed the hire as a long-overdue move for the network, which has to this point featured women whose skin color ranges from pasty white to lily white and whose hair color ranges from platinum blonde all the way to golden blonde. 

“This is a huge day in the ongoing battle for equal representation in media,” said Kent Sizemore, a media critic who has hit Fox News in the past for its lack of diversity. “For too long, Fox News has allowed only generic blondes without names to deliver the news, but today, they’ve made history by adding an also-nameless generic brunette to their roster.”

The news was met with acclaim from Fox’s blonde hosts, who welcomed the addition of a new perspective. 

“It’s so refreshing to see a new hair color around here,” said Generic Blonde #482, a lab-grown clone who has worked for Fox News since the day she was unhooked from her nutrient feeding tube and sent to the makeup department. “I’ve been thinking quietly to myself for years about the need to add black and brown voices, so I hope our next move is to hire someone with black hair.”

Sources close to Fox say that the network briefly considered hiring some non-white people as well, though management ultimately opted against it for fear of exposing their audience to viewpoints that might challenge their long-held prejudices.