Jun 5, 2020

U.S. gains 2.5 million jobs, but not yours


ASHINGTON, D.C. — The U.S. Labor Department released its employment numbers for the month of May on Friday, showing that the economy had added back 2.5 million jobs, yours not included.

While tens of millions of people, including you, remained out of work, the numbers provided hope that the United States has finally made good on President Trump's many promises that the nation's job numbers are falsified.

As companies you've never heard of that probably don't even exist welcomed their fictional employees back to the workplace, the return of your job remained a fever dream present only in your mind.

Though neither you nor anyone you know is gainfully employed anymore, nor do you have any hope of that ever changing unless you decide to stock shelves for minimum wage at your local grocery store and COVID-19 clearinghouse, the Labor Department assured the public that it would continue providing fake numbers for as long as necessary in order to increase consumer confidence.

Meanwhile, your job has winked out of existence, leaving behind no evidence other than a trail of pay stubs to show that it ever truly occupied this mortal plane.

At press time, you were still sitting on your sofa, sending out resumes and wondering when you would need to wear pants again.

[Photo by Ant Rozetsky on Unsplash]