Jun 22, 2020

Trump administration sets up booth to redeem unused rally tickets for prizes


ULSA, OKLA. — Seeking to recoup the nearly 1 million unused tickets for this past weekend’s campaign rally, the Trump administration has set up a booth in downtown Tulsa that will allow teenagers and K-pop stans to swap their tickets for a variety of prizes.

On Saturday, approximately 6,200 loyal Trump supporters exchanged one ticket each for lottery entries to win a chance to be put on a ventilator. But with so many tickets still out in the wild, the administration has authorized significant emergency spending to boost the nation's supply of finger traps, stuffed animals and yo-yos. 

The new initiative is the brainchild of embattled reelection campaign manager Brad Parscale, who himself recently traded an undisclosed number of rally tickets for a new Ferrari and a $2.4 million waterfront home in Fort Lauderdale, Fla. – a move that reportedly infuriated President Trump. 

“The president never expected any one person to accumulate enough tickets for the high-level prizes, and he doesn’t like being one-upped by his underlings,” said a senior aide who agreed to comment only under condition of anonymity. “He himself has been saving up extra tickets for a Make America Great Again sippy cup.”