Jun 19, 2020

The 5 most shocking revelations from John Bolton’s new book


ohn Bolton's new book, The Room Where It Happened, has created a sensation in Washington, but is it good? No. Since you won't read it even if you buy it and the Trump administration is expected to issue an executive order requiring every copy to be burned, we've collected the five most salacious revelations here for posterity.

1. The book is actually the long-rumored sequel to the 2003 film The Room

In the book, Tommy Wiseau plays the character "John Bolton" to perfection, brilliantly portraying his dismay when he finds out that his best friend, Mark, is still sleeping with Lisa. At one point, Bolton, President Donald Trump, Vice President Mike Pence and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell leave George H.W. Bush's funeral early to go throw a football around in an alleyway.

The lovemaking scenes are very tasteful.

2. Defying expectations, Bolton reveals his great-aunt Betsy’s cornbread recipe

Most political pundits predicted that Bolton would ultimately shy away from revealing Gammy Betsy's award-winning recipe, which the Trump administration has described in its lawsuit as "highly classified," but Bolton describes it in loving detail over the course of three chapters.

3. His mustache tastes like peanut butter and gunpowder

Both the first and last chapters of the book are comprised of mustache maintenance and flavoring tips. Bolton also includes extensive commentary on mustache exercises, claiming that his facial hair's muscles have developed to the point that it can slap away any subpoenas that he happens to encounter.

4. Bolton co-won Time Person of the Year in 2006

You can almost feel the pride radiating from every word Bolton writes in the chapter on his 2006 triumph; even though he shared the award, it's clear that it offered him a much-needed source of validation.

He also includes a photo of the cover:

5. He was once the U.S. ambassador to the United Nations

The least believable of all the claims in the book, this one has been dismissed by experts as implausible at best, with most commentators agreeing that a president would have to be "criminally stupid, almost Trump-level stupid" to put Bolton in that position.