May 23, 2020

God continues self-isolating as churches reopen


EAVEN — As churchgoers began filling pews across the United States this week, God remained in voluntary self-isolation, unwilling to risk exposing himself to COVID-19.

"We know that this disease is a danger to the elderly, and the Bible tells us that Our Lord and Savior is 5,000 years old if he's a day," said Henry Peterson, 64, a professor of theology at Liberty University. "The scripture suggests that he knew this was coming and has been isolating almost since the dawn of time."

Asked what God has been doing with his time, Peterson suggested that he, like many in isolation, has been attempting to bake bread. "My understanding is that He was having trouble with his sourdough loaf until Jesus suggested letting it rise for three days."

While some worshipers are wearing masks and practicing social distancing at church, many more have taken a different approach.

"I've been going to church my whole life, and when I see Jesus on that cross, he isn't wearing a mask," said Susan Jenkins, 59, an attendee of the Fishnet Worship Center in Monroe, La. "I'm not going to disgrace myself in front of the Almighty by doing something that he has explicitly forbidden by implication."

When reached for comment on parishioners once again crowding churches despite the ongoing pandemic, God's office provided a short statement: "We know you've been waiting your entire lives to gaze upon the face of the Lord, and we're looking forward to seeing even more of you soon."

[Photo by Diana Vargas on Unsplash]