Jun 21, 2020

Dozens risk lives to watch sad old man drink water


ULSA, OKLA. — A crowd numbering in the dozens gathered Saturday night to cheer a sad old man as he slowly and methodically sipped water from a glass.

In the wake of previous failures to complete the simple task of lifting a glass of water to one’s lips, drinking from it, and setting it back down safely, the sad old man had, at great expense, rented out a large venue and flown to Tulsa in a special, customized aircraft complete with a large security detail in order to drink water as publicly as possible.

Despite public-health experts warning against such gatherings, tens and tens of people came out to support the sad old man as he complained about getting his expensive tie wet, gradually lifted a glass of water toward his face, tilted his head down to reach it, and took two small sips which observers described as “mildly refreshing.”

Then, in a dramatic moment, the sad old man’s arm underwent an involuntary spasm, resulting in the glass being hurled to the ground. His energized supporters applauded the move vigorously, certain that this was what they had signed up for.