WASHINGTON, D.C. — Defying the expectations of the global medical community, the COVID-19 virus found a way in behind Melania Trump’s hardened plastic carapace this week, taking root in some of her few remaining OEM organs.
Infectious-disease experts around the world had to this point assumed that, as long as her exterior was regularly wiped down with rubbing alcohol, the First Lady was at no risk of contracting any disease whatsoever – an assumption born of her apparent immunity to her husband’s myriad of sexually transmitted infections. At press time, doctors were scrambling to update the medical literature to account for the Slovenian-built model’s unexpected illness.
The infection has reportedly caused the First Lady to feel something -- anything -- for the first time since she was brought online.
“I have literally never had one fuck to give about anything,” Mrs. Trump said, noting that this was a feature President Trump had specially requested. “Not Christmas, not immigrant children in cages, not my husband’s … well, you know, everything. I have lived my entire ‘life’ in the safety of this plastic shell, wanting for nothing and experiencing no sensations whatsoever, until this week. My thoughts and prayers go out to myself in this difficult time.”